you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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