i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
