why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
