my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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