you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
