she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
