Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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