I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
