I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
