Porn is love you can see.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
