We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
