I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
