Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
