Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
