I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
