Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Randomize
