I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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