Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
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