Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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