plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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