Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
