sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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