The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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