I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
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