I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Just pee around me
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I had to cum in my sink.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
