I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
