Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize
