my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Randomize
