Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Randomize
