umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
