mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Randomize
