If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
