i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
