I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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