im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
