Jerry, you need to find god
That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
