Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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