none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
