Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
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