apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
