You're a womanizer and a bitch.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
