there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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