I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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