I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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