wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
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