Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
We talked him into tasing himself.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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