That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
