I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
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