my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
Life is so much better after having sex.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
