I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
