My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I want to have your abortion
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
