somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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