When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
