Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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