4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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